2009 was a hard year for me. I was extremely depressed. And all because of a boy, yes… a boy. I know it sounds silly. But you have to understand that in 2008, we really liked each other but my parents didn’t like this fact and told me I wasn’t allowed to date him (I thank them for that now). But in December of that year, I found out he didn’t like me anymore. As any teenage girl who didn’t know who she really was, this affected me.
2008 was the year I lost God, my focus on Him. You see, I was concentrating so much on our relationship that I forgot about God that year. So in 2009 I was depressed. I started to listen to the lies the devil told me… “you’re not worth anything, you’re not pretty enough. If you were, he wouldn’t have left you.”
I began to have suicidal thoughts. I thought things would be better if I just ended it all. I began listening to heavy “Christian” bands that never lifted up the name of Jesus anyway. I began to question my walk with God. I began to question holiness.
I became more involved with my friends…. Well, I tried anyway. I laughed at jokes a Christian girl shouldn’t laugh at. I talked about stuff I shouldn’t have even been thinking about; all the while, playing church like it was all a game.
No one knew I was actually depressed to the point that I had considered suicide. No one knew how much I was broken and torn inside. No one knew the pain I felt each day to get up.
To this day, I know there was someone praying for me. The thoughts of suicide went away because I thought it would be stupid to kill myself over a boy. And besides, I was scared of death. I knew my walk with God was anything but right. And I thought of how it would affect my parents… I knew it would hurt them.
So, I thought about the next best option – self-infliction. I would literally pick up a knife and just STARE at it for a while... imagining cutting myself to release the emotional pain. I spent quite a few hours just sitting on the bathroom floor… thinking. I could never bring myself to do any of it… I would come as far as picking up the razor blade, knife, etc. and letting it touch my skin. But I could never bring myself to actually pushing down and cutting…. THAT’S how I know someone was praying for me.
I don’t know how, but in 2010 I started getting back on track with God. The suicidal thoughts and self-inflicting thoughts went away. But I was still left with depression. I blamed myself for some friends leaving the church. I was very emotional… and at the time, I really only had one friend who REALLY knew what was going on.
Though my thoughts of suicide and self-infliction had gone, I still wasn’t getting much sleep at night. I would go to my room around 9 or 10, but would never actually fall asleep until about midnight (or, like most nights, after midnight). Though I knew I had no control over situations, they still bothered me and would bring me to an emotional mess every time I thought about it.
But on October 22, 2010, I overcame all my emotional sickness. God had healed me from the inside out. It was a Friday night, the first night of a revival we were having that weekend. Brother Costa preached on, “I’ll never hurt again.” That night changed my entire life. He talked about how the soul is made of mind, will, and emotions. I wish I had taken notes that night because it was SO powerful! But if we can control what we think, what we do and say, and the emotions we have toward situations… we don’t have to hurt again.
That night, I let go of all of my past. I claimed emotional healing. And the situations that had bothered me so much back then, don’t even faze me now. God doesn’t want you to live in constant depression or regret. Yes, it’s natural to feel these things for a time. But at some point you have to realize that it’s time to get up and move on.
Yes, sometimes the past hurts. Yes, people go against you. Yes, we go through situations. But those are the very things that make you stronger.
My whole point of this blog is to bring out the fact that there are many people fighting depression and emotional problems alone. Even some of the happiest Christians you know may be really struggling inside. No one knew how depressed I was; because I was able to put on the act. There are many young people and adults (even children) who have thought of suicide and self-infliction… and many who may have decided to go through with it all.
I want them to know that there is a hope and a joy in serving God. I went through that stage alone in life. Thank God someone was praying for me. I later was able to confide in a friend about my sleepless nights. But she never knew about my thoughts. I was lucky. So many others are not lucky enough to have people to care.
Suicide takes the lives of nearly 30,000 Americans every year. It is estimated that there are at least 4.5 million survivors in this country. (AAS) Many who attempt suicide never seek professional care. 80% of people that seek treatment for depression are treated successfully.
That’s why we are here, to help others. To lead them to Christ and show them the perfect love that He gives.
And this is what I aim to do with my life, and this blog. I want to show others of the love He gives. This is my testimony, a passion.
